Read on;

  • Why not to tell a girl you fancy you’re gay and forget to say you’re straight.
  • Why I have to write and sing a song for a girl I met once.
  • Fresh Prince of Bel Air is an Icebreaker.

It’s a Monday night in Live Lounge and I’m sat listening to some music and chilling out at a table with a J2O
(Yes, J2O is still cool. Seriously.)

I’m tapping my hands and catch the eye of a girl who looks just like Amelie, from the film… Amelie.
(My A-Level English skills really showing there…)

She’s wearing glasses and looks like a very intelligent type of girl. I smile towards her and she breaks the eye contact. Yes. Round 1 to Dave.

So Amelie and all of her girl-friends come to sit around me at this table. (Maybe not purposefully, maybe they just wanted somewhere to sit, but don’t say that whilst I’m trying to inflate my ego.)

We get chatting after singing along to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. What a song. What an icebreaker. Thank you Will Smith.
(Nearly everyone knows the lyrics to this, great way to bond 😉 )

This is where things begin to get weird. Or perhaps… Different.

Amelie grabs my hand. She cowers over my palm up and down, left to right. She shakes her head in disapproval.
“What is wrong with my hand?!” I think to myself. I manage a laugh and pull my hand away.

I continue making conversation with this group of girls, and a few of them get up to dance. But this one girl, Emily, stays sat down.

We get chatting. Well, this after she tells me that she’s deaf. It took me a few moments to realise that’s what she was signing to me.

“Can you feel the music?” I ask her. Emily plays along with this (to her credit) and nods “yeah!” and twiddles her fingers in mid-air. Right, anyway, so things seem to be running smoothly. I actually rather fancy this girl. She seems really cool, a great laugh. We seem to be connecting. So I go up to the bar and buy her a drink. I place down her drink and she says;

“I’m not actually deaf you know…”

YAWHA?… NOT DEAF? YOU PLAYED ME ALONG!?I kept these thoughts to myself and tried to look as if this was a regular occurrence for an experienced campaigner like me. Although I’m sure my face resembled that of somebody who’d just hit the centre of a super sour gobstopper whilst also discovering that their Revel, was in fact, the Coffee Revel.

So we carry on chatting, and I’m so distracted by the deaf facade, that I miss all of Emily’s flirting signals. This stunning girl with an awe-inspiring personality and looks to match, and I’m missing the fact that we’re virtually sat on top of each other. I should’ve perhaps popped her a compliment and gone for goal (a kiss!) but nah, I missed my window! 

I’d been playing mister confidence all night, but when it came to the crunch, I was slower than a turning oil tanker and  as hopeless as a dog chasing its tail.

“Okay” I thought, once realising I was losing the game. “I need to do something drastic to salvage this.”

Emily asked me “Are you gay?”

My heart pounded with excitement “I can score one back here! – I can pretend I’m gay like Emily pretended she’s deaf! Great idea!” – (Yes, I have a ridiculously competitive attitude sometimes)

So I replied to her; “Yes, I’m gay!” full of confidence.

However, I hadn’t planned for this. How was I going to say I’m not actually gay and keep it smooth? Emily walked away and went for a dance. Mr. Smooth was now in uncharted territory. I was now in the Bermuda Triangle without a TomTom.

I spend ages umm-ing and ahh-ing over what to do next. Maybe I should’ve kept things simple, but I decided that I’d let her leave thinking I was gay, and send her a song saying what I intended. The relevance of it being that she’s a singer too & maybe she’d ‘get it’.

What I hadn’t planned for was how blummin’ difficult it is to write and sing a song. I’ve never been musically educated. My education has mainly come from my Playstation. I am now in a situation, where I realise I’m going to have to learn to sing and have some poor soul (my friend Patrick) help me write and produce a song for a girl who may or may not now remember me.

I feel like I have a duty to complete the song and share it with you guys (and Emily) when it’s done. But golly, next time I’ll just tell a girl I’m straight and dive in for a kiss/slap. That’s much easier than doing it my way.

So guys & girls, moral of the story; don’t do a David. Don’t pretend you’re gay when you’re actually straight. Unless you have a song ready of course. Then it’s fine, maybe.